Go Give Beth Some Love

Dr. Beth, my best girlfriend and frequent commenter around these parts, is taking part in today's Vancouver blogathon for charity. She has to post every half hour around the clock, and she cannot have any posts in the can! She's crazy!

Beth is a witty and intelligent writer; you'll find her posts interesting and informative. Plus, many of the people in her life (Dave and myself included) will be doing guest posts, based on the theme Dave suggested: "Stuff Books Taught Me".

You'll find her blog over at: http://www.drbethsnow.com/blog . Go on over and cheer her on!

MY six month anniversary

Today marks an anniversary for me; it's been 6 months of expressing, since months since dehydration day. It's hard to believe that I made it to my goal.

When it became clear that breastfeeding wouldn't work (stupid, stupid tongue tie!), we faced a tough decision -- did I keep pumping, or did we switch to formula. It was a question that we had to revisit several times, especially early on with the repeated bouts of thrush and mastitis. But I was adamant -- I wanted to make it to six months. He was GOING to have breast milk for six months. And he has.

I could not have done it without support - Dave and my parents in particular. On the days when I felt so awful that it hurt to pick up the baby, I was so fortunate to have you there. I am sure that you occasionally thought I was crazy to continue, but you respected my dogged determination. Now we've got a freezer full of milk and a kid who's thriving!

What's next (with respect to this)? I am not 100% certain. I'm down to 4 times a day (still getting a litre or so) and it isn't a trial any longer. At 4 months, I thought "Can I get to 8?", then recoiled in horror, thinking of how difficult the first few months had been; could I go the same amount of time all over again? Now, staring down the second half of the year, it seems doable. We've vacationed while doing it, and it's just so freaking convenient to make the food even if you have to store it in the fridge and pour it into bottles. My tentative plan is to get through our trip in late September/early October and then we'll see. At that point, he'll be nearly 9 months old (!!!). But I'd like to go as long as possible, to give him the best possible nutrition I can.

He's doing so well, by the way. He's weighing in at nearly 18 lbs (not monstrous -- lately, I've met two kids within a few weeks of Teddy who weigh over 21 lbs!) and solidly in the 60th percentile. He's such a good-natured kid and a joy to be around (see photographic evidence, once again taken by Becky). I'm so happy that I've been able to give him this. And I'm so very proud of myself for persevering, for toughing this out!

6 Months

This is going to be short, since Auntie Leanne is in town tonight for a visit.


Six months ago today, Teddy was born. Happy "...and a half" birthday, baby! You got a cool gift from Aunt Beth, and you're growing like a weed. You love to babble "babababa bobobo" and "mmmmmummumu", you're so smiley and you laugh at the most random things. We love you to pieces.

Photo credit - my friend Becky, whose adorable daughter Mandy may just become Teddy's first girlfriend! We have photos of them spontaneously holding hands!

51

Dear Aunt Flo,

Today would have been your 51st birthday. Not that you looked 51 -- you looked at least a decade younger. You share this birthday with Hunter S. Thompson and Margaret Laurence; you'd have liked that, with your ecclectic book collection that's now ensconced in our house. You also share it with Kristen Bell. My Veronica Mars loving heart likes that fact. You'd have loved that show, too.

I had planned to write a big, stirring tribute to you so that I could post it today, but I got derailed due to the stress over the past week or so. Maybe that's a good thing. I can write this letter more honestly and do a tribute later.

Last year, on your 50th, we were in Atlanta visiting friends. I felt a wee bit bad missing it, but I felt guiltier for NOT feeling worse. You didn't know it was your birthday, and that just made it harder. You'd always planned to do something amazing for your 50th (like go to Africa) and it was so difficult to see you unable to live out your dream.

Having a loved one with severe cognitive impairment is so strange. You're never sure how much the loved one is understanding, what they are thinking, how much they're suffering or what they're really enjoying. I always wondered how Dave's Mom handled her father's decline from Alzheimer's, but through your illness I realized that the only thing to worry about is your loved one's comfort and happiness. And you hold off thinking about 'what might have been' because it hurts too much.

It's not fair that you were struck down at 47. You'd done everything right in terms of a healthy lifestyle and it didn't matter a whit. The last three years, with you in palliative care, were a challenge. I saw glimmers of the old you, and that made me miss you all the more.

Oddly - this birthday is almost easier. I miss you so much; not a day goes by when I don't think about you, your love and your generosity. But this year, I don't feel guilty mourning your loss. While you were still sick, it felt disloyal to think about how I missed you; you were still there. Now, I can openly delight in the memories I have of you, your first 47 years and some moments of wonder during the difficult final 3.

Happy birthday, Aunt Flo. Though I am not giving you a personalized "Precious Moments Figurine" or dressing up like a clown to deliver balloons (what? I was a kid!), I'd like to think you'd like this letter, this candour, even more.

Can I get a do-over week?

This week has sucked around these parts.

It started with the death, visitation and funeral of a friend. There's craziness at my work, despite the fact that I'm on mat. leave, which will make the rest of my maternity leave more stressful. Wednesday, Teddy had his 6 month vaccinations which went well at the time, but have lead to brutal amounts of discomfort since (this, added to teething). And on Wednesday, I started feeling AWFUL. I really thought I had mastitis again, with the flu-like symptoms and fever, but this time it was accompanied by a sore throat and swollen glands.

Last night, I checked my throat (which I usually do as soon as I feel ill; why didn't I do it sooner?). A MESS. When my temperature hit nearly 103 F with fever suppressants, I suspected strep. That was confirmed this morning. Hooray for my immune system kicking in and for antibiotics.

So.tired. Have a first birthday party and a baby shower (which I am co-hosting) tomorrow.

All that to say - I haven't yet finished my tribute to my Aunt Flo which I'd hoped to post tomorrow. It, along with the Greg tribute, will be forthcoming.

However - despite the blah, we have still had many awesome moments. One in particular was Teddy trying pieces of plum tonight. It was hilarious. I'll have to make Dave put up the videos of his eating adventures. PRICELESS.

A warning - depressing posts ahead.

So. The past week has been crappy. I am still processing it, and some of that is going to come out here. I need to write about Greg, reflecting on the good times so I can share the post with Jen and go back to it to remember him in the future. I REFUSE to have my most vivid memories of him be tied to the horrible open coffin, to me sobbing as they played the Stereophonics at his funeral.

I've lost loved ones before. Suicide has touched my life before. But not like this and never this close.

I am going to apologize in advance for the tone of the posts this week - one for Greg and one for my Aunt Flo (who would have been 51 on the 18th). I will post baby pictures again at some point, but I've lost these two loved ones recently and I need to pay them their due.

Prayers and good thoughts, please

I'm posting a quick note with a request for prayers and good thoughts. One of my dear friends - Jen - lost her husband Greg yesterday. He took his own life; he had just turned 31. Needless to say, we are all reeling. We were also very close to Greg and it's just such a shock.

If you could spare any prayers or thoughts over the difficult days ahead, we would greatly appreciate it. We'll be heading back to the Toronto area as soon as we have visitation and funeral details.

Greg was an awesome guy; I can't believe he's gone. Jen is a rock - she's been one of my closest friends for years - and I am feel so incredibly impotent that I can't do more...or anything, right now.