Breastfeeding and Guilt - My Take

Breastfeeding. One of the hottest button issues to talk about with fellow moms, or in general. I've wanted to write about my experiences with breastfeeding for so long, but I've hesitated. I've written about 10 posts in my head and have 2 in my drafts folder, but they never seemed right. I've never posted a comprehensive post about what I've basically spent the past 3 years doing every few hours.

There's been a lot of talk about breastfeeding in my Twitter stream lately, and Arwen wrote a wonderful post on the subject of Breastfeeding and Guilt. Go read it; it's great. Also check out Emily's comment, which is spot on. Rather than completely take over Arwen's comment section with my take on the situation, I thought I'd write about it here. I want to have a post talking about my experiences, especially since the situation with Teddy was atypical.

I've been very fortunate. Both of my children have had breastmilk for at least 17 months. But guilt has fueled both of these experiences. It's an odd guilt -- guilt that I'd failed Teddy in utero and in the first days of his life.

Tongue-tie runs in Dave's family. Dave is tongue-tied, and we always joked that if we had boys, they'd have it. While pregnant with Teddy, I knew that he'd probably be tongue-tied. I spoke to my midwives and my doulas about it as well as the nurses at the hospital. I lined up a 'breast-feeding buddy' through a city-run program so I could get support and I knew when all the clinics were all over the city. We took courses, I watched videos and bought reference books. Being a first time mother who'd never breast-fed before, I think I did as much as I could.

Teddy was born with a posterior tongue-tie. It's so far back that it's difficult to diagnose. The nurses and midwives didn't spot it. I knew that something was wrong, but it wasn't until we went to a lactation clinic that the IBCLCs spotted it, realized that he wasn't really latching, and got me pumping at the end of Day 2. I couldn't even pump enough to cover the bottom of the bottles; I don't think I've ever cried so hard in my life as I tried. By the time my midwife came by the next morning, Teddy was down from 8lbs 4 oz to 7lbs 3 oz with his clothes on.

Day 3 postpartum ranks up there as the worst day(s) of my life.

So Dave had to race out and get formula, and he bounced back right away. Every two hours, we fed him any milk I could pump and topped it up with formula. My milk started to come in that day, and he just kept gaining and gaining. The midwives came every 12 hours to check on him (LOVE them) and he was great. But we struggled to find ANYWHERE that would do a tongue-tie release.

He had the release done on Day 5, but it was only partial. He still couldn't get much when he latched, but I pumped my way into an oversupply so that he'd be drowning in milk. No word of a lie - I was getting over 1.5 L per day (50 oz). But when he was 2 weeks old, we got thrush and kept passing it back and forth. After several weeks of that, I gave up trying to get him to nurse and just pumped.

Oh, that pump. It SUUUUUCKED. And the stupid flanges (even 3 sizes up) were awful and kept giving me plugged ducts which lead to mastitis. Weeks and weeks of awful mastitis. The pump couldn't move the milk, so I had to hand-express to keep the milk moving. In the midst of all this, my Aunt Floriana died, so we were dealing with all her funeral, mourning, and I was just a hot mess.

Everyone around me told me that I could stop (maybe should stop) because it was too much. But I was like a woman possessed; my kid was going to get breast milk no matter what. Also, my supply was bullet-proof. Even with mastitis it didn't drop for long.

So I kept on going. I switched to hand expressing full time, and the mastitis cleared up, as did all the pain. It was SO MUCH more convenient and easier (especially during a 12 hour power outage), so I just doing it. I slowed down gradually when I realized that the entire bottom of our massive chest freezer was full of milk. I kept it up until Teddy was 14 months old, and I was over 5 months pregnant with Veronica. He had enough milk in the freezer to take him past 17 months.

I look back now and why was I so consumed with it? I think it's because I felt like I'd failed him as a tiny baby. I hadn't been able to advocate for him and he'd lost all that weight. I'd been unable to find a doctor to address the issue. I couldn't help my baby in the way he needed to be helped, but I COULD DO THIS. So that's what I clung to.

Now Veronica does not have a tongue-tie. She, however, had a complicated delivery. She was intubated 3 times and had chest compressions, and she just did not want to nurse right away. But her latch didn't hurt like Teddy's and she wasn't losing as much weight, so I thought we were on the right track with nursing.

Then Day 3 rolled around and we discovered that she'd lost 10% of her birth weight. She wasn't anywhere as dehydrated as Teddy had been, but it was not good. I am not ashamed to say that I sobbed like I'd been stabbed in the heart. But Jackie, my amazing midwife, realized that her suction reflex had been thrown off by the intubation. She suggested that we finger-feed her using the last lonely bag of Teddy's breast milk from the freezer. And she reminded me that on Day 3, the tears bring in the milk.

I HATE YOU DAY 3.

So I nursed Veronica and then Dave would finger-feed her as much extra milk as she wanted. But about 12 hours later, my milk came in with a vengeance. Seriously -- I felt my entire torso was undergoing electric shocks. She was no longer interested in finger feeding, and when Jackie came back to weigh her 24 hours later, she'd gained 7 oz. She regained her birth weight before she was 1 week old.

And yet - I was PETRIFIED that I wasn't producing enough milk. She was consistently in the 95th percentile for weight, and I was nervous before every weigh-in. I still catch myself worrying and she's 17 months old!

My terrible time with Teddy and my rough start with Veronica have caused me to stress about my supply. I won't chance cold medicine, as it is known to make your supply drop. I worried about missing feedings so much that I was never away from her for more than 3.5 hours until she was 14 months old. She never took a bottle. I am still rarely away from her for more than 4 or 5 hours.

I suspect that I'm also trying to atone for my failure to effectively nurse Teddy by nursing her as often as she wants for as long as she wants. I'd have given anything to have had it work with Teddy, so I'd better not take this for granted. Am I turning it into penance for my belief that I let her brother down?

This guilt comes entirely from my own psyche. Everyone around me has been so supportive of me and was so proud of how hard I worked for Teddy. Heck - I'm proud of how hard I worked to feed Teddy. But man - did the Mom guilt ever start early for me.

My 2012 Resolutions/Goals

I've been plotting this post in my head for 2 weeks now, so I'd better get it written. I'd really like to record my goals for the year and put them up here to help make myself accountable. And I am going to try to group them into categories...that start with F. Because, why not?

This is driven by my fear (another f word) that I'm getting nothing done, that I'm just spinning my wheels. I'd like to do updates quarterly, if not monthly, to stay on track.

Family

1. Develop a more structured routine for the children, especially on days when Teddy doesn't have preschool. The child LOVES routine, and on the days where we don't have one, I spend much of the day with him begging to watch The Backyardigans or Thomas.

2. Reduce mindless screen time for all of us. I am so bad with this. It's just so easy to pop on an episode so that I can get laundry put away without two little kids crying for my attention. In the evenings, it's so easy for me to lose myself on Twitter or Google Reader. But I want my kids to be imaginative and this is the time to nurture their development.

3. Have a minimum of one family adventure per month. This can be to a museum, a local park, a movie, skating on the canal, sledding, a trip - anything along those lines. For the majority of them, I'd like for them to be cheap or free.

4. Have at least one 'Date Night” per month. These can be 'you pick the movie and I'll watch with no complaining or distractions', or dinners out (like the ones we have when we cruise), but I'd like to have at least 12 this year.

Friends

1. Visit/chat with one old friend per month. I feel that friends are drifting out of my life, even those who live nearby, so I want to devote time to replenishing these friendships.

2. Send Birthday Cards/Anniversary to all loved ones this year, and get back into sending “Thank You” cards. Card-making is my hobby, but I often feel that I don't have enough time to make nice ones. I need to get over myself and just do it.

Family Home

1. Better organize the toys. We need a better system, as the current one is killing me. We need better storage and a method of toy rotation. This will likely end up bleeding into the next task, too.

2. Tackle 6 organizing and 6 decorating or small renovation projects. They'll likely be inexpensive ones, as we're on the austerity plan for the next few years. But August will mark our 5^th anniversary in this house, a house in which we still haven't hung our art. A fact that is totally the fault of my perfectionism. Poor Dave. This will include: better organizing my card-making supplies, as well as getting blackout blinds for the bedrooms that don't have them.

3. Try making laundry detergent. I love my Nellie's (which is almost identical to the homemade stuff), but I am going to give this a try once this year.

Faith

1. Develop a routine for prayer. This year, I once again used Jen's 'Random Saint Generator' to help me find a patron/patroness for the year. Last year's was the lovely St. Anne (grandmother of Jesus). This year? St. Dorothy of Montau. People seek her intercession for such things as: 'Against Death In Children', 'Marital Problems'. She's also a patroness of 'Widows'. GULP. I have no idea what this year has in store for me, but I'd better get my prayer life sorted.

2. Go to confession at least 6 times. That'd be 4 more times than last year!

3. Be better organized with the Familia Group that I'm leading, as well as the one in which I am participating. I was really late with the follow-up email after our last meeting, and I do not want that to happen again.

4. Work on prayer with the kids. I also hope that this will keep me in the moment more; I've always struggled with that.

5. Pray the usual novenas, and perhaps add one more.

Food

1. Attempt 30 new recipes. That's more than 2 a month. Let's do this!

2. Have 12 new go-to recipes. I'll need to try a whole bunch before the year is out in order to pull this off (see #1), and they can be in any category, but I want 12 new ones mastered by year's end. Some I'd like to have: the blueberry scones Arwen served, escargot, quinoa salad, Crockpot black beans, Johnny cake, and my Nonna's pizza.

3. Better organize my meal-planning. I'll need to organize all the new recipes I'm trying, anyway, so this is just a logical extension. More lists!

4. Make one meal per week from the pantry or the freezer. I generally do this, but I want to ensure that I'm using up my stockpiles so I'm making this a goal.

5. Be vigilant at introducing new foods to Veronica. I was spoiled by Teddy, who was an incredibly adventurous eater. While she loves fruit, her current preferences lean towards fat and carbs. We need her to eat more protein and vegetables.

6. Join a CSA and plant a garden again. Full disclosure – I am currently reading “Raising Elijah” by Sandra Steingraber and it's terrifying me. Last year, I tried to garden in pots in our incredibly shady backyard. I got 1 bell pepper, 5 tomatoes, and maybe 30 cherry tomatoes. So – not so great. I did, however, grow delicious herbs that I am still using. So I'll try the cherry tomatoes again, and will definitely grow the herbs, but I want to support local farmers and have access to delicious, fresh produce. This will also help me accomplish #5 and #1 above!
7. Try my hand at preserving. It might be tomatoes, it might end up being freezer jam, but I'd like to give this a shot.

Finance

1. Transfer the money for our TFSAs and Veronica's RESP ASAP. I'd like to send this to Jim within the next 2 weeks.

2. Continue tweaking the austerity plan budget to ensure our savings goals are met. I'd love to have a month where we buy nothing that isn't essential. Maybe during Lent I'll go for it.

3. Make over $1000 by selling/consigning things. I must get off my butt and sell the double stroller we never use, and some of our old diapers now that Teddy is potty training. I also need to bring more of my things to the consignment store.

4. Add info to our financial tracking documents so that all our stuff would be easy to access in case of tragedy. This one is depressing as heck, but

Fitness

1. Start running again. We have a treadmill in the basement, so there's no need to run on the ice.

2. Run a 5k before the end of the year. It can be a fun one or a charity one, but do it.

3. Eat less junk and drink lots of water.

4. Go to bed every night by 11. I am TERRIBLE at this. I hope that the reduced screen time will help with this, too.

Future Planning

1. Set aside 5 hours per week (on average) to support Dave's big dream. Sorry to be so cryptic right now, but I have to keep it quiet. This will evolve as time goes on, but I need to set this goal.

2. Develop comprehensive tools (plans, budget) to support this, with professional help when needed. This, too, is a vital goal.

Formation

1. Read, watch or listen to something in French every day. Prayers count, too. I'll need to use French every day when I go back to work, so I need to flex these muscles again!

2. Read 75 books and recap them in a blog post. I managed to read 60 last year (recap post forthcoming), while abandoning another 20 or so because they were AWFUL, so I think this is doable. What? Reading keeps me sane.

Fun

1. Travel for pleasure at least 4 times this year. Details for 2 of these trips are already booked while another is in the works, but I think this is doable.

2. Watch at least 5 of the TV shows on DVD that we own. It's hilarious – we have a whole bunch of these that we keep meaning to watch, but don't. I'm thinking: FNL (I KNOW, OK! It breaks my heart to watch, though), Justified, Sports Night, The Vampire Diaries, and something on Netflix (maybe Bones).

3. Don't feel guilty about taking some time for me. That said, don't feel resentful that personal time is limited. I'm at the stage in my life where I need to view these activities as treats – things to savour and enjoy but not my full diet.

Finish What You've Started

1. Complete the album from our Australia/NZ trip (that was in Feb. 2008). Oy.

2. Write at least 12 blogs posts about the kids and what they're up to. My blog is serving as a de facto baby book right now, and I'm slacking. I should also document other stuff we're doing, too, but the stuff about the kids is both charming and fleeting.

3. Keep writing daily/weekly 'To Do' lists. I do stuff all day long, but I feel like I'm doing nothing. If I keep these lists, I'll stay on track AND feel like I'm accomplishing stuff.

4. Track these goals and do quarterly updates on the blog. At least it'll be blog fodder, and I can tweak the goals as needed.

5. Be ruthless about eliminating time wasters. Time ,while always at a premium, will be even more valuable this year. If the task doesn't tie to one of these goals, then DON'T DO IT!!

I think the very last one will be the hardest for me. But wish me luck, and I promise to keep you posted on my progress.

Seven Quick Takes - Christmas Edition

--- 1 ---

I hope that all of you had a wonderful Christmas! I'm writing this from my father-in-law's laptop; we're in Georgetown until the 2nd of January. It's been hectic, and both the kids are sick, but this year's Advent and holiday season have been wonderful.

--- 2 ---

We had several Christmas parties scattered throughout the month of December. Dave's corporate party was once again at the Chateau Laurier on the 3rd, while the corporate children's party was at the NAC on the 17th. Veronica was mystified by Santa. Teddy? Was NOT a fan this year. He held it together for about 20 seconds, then started bawling. Through his tears, we was able to thank Santa for his gift, give him a high 5, and blow him a kiss. He's such a sweet boy!

We had a party at Mark and Tania's, and Teddy's preschool concert. It's been a busy, busy month but it has been lovely. And the tree went up on Gaudete Sunday! The cats have stayed out of it, for the most part. :)

The Christmas preparation has kicked our butts, but it has been so, so fun this year.

--- 3 ---

Christmas celebrations are always a whirlwind. It's complicated by the fact that the 25th is also my Nonna's birthday; though it's a wonderful thing to celebrate, it adds to the time demands. This year, though, we've hit on a formula we like.

On the 24th, my parents and Nonna came to our house. We had lunch, opened adult gifts during nap time, then let the kids open theirs after nap. We went evening mass (NIGHTMARE! If only there was a mass earlier than 10:30 on Christmas morning at our parish), where the bulk of the congregation were mystified by the new translation. Dave and I opened a present or two after the kids had gone to bed.

--- 4 ---

On the 25th, we did stockings, then jumped in the car and drove 2 hours to Kingston. We all converged on my Uncle Sergio and Sally's house for the Panetta get-together/Nonna's birthday. It was great to have all 16 of us together, my Aunt Pat and crew having come up from Brampton, my parents/Nonna having come from Almonte. We hung out there until the kids were sleepy, then had a crazily long drive back to Ottawa through a snowstorm. Dave and I opened the rest of our gifts, then crashed.

--- 5 ---

On the 26th, we had visits from a couple of friends, and we got organized. It was nice to have a day at home, and we were able to set up Teddy's big boy bed which we'd picked up at my uncle's house the day before. This frame was my Mom's, my Aunt Flo's, my Aunt Pat's, a guest bed, Sierra's, Jacob's, and now Teddy's. It's almost an heirloom...if something from the '60s can be considered one.

--- 6 ---

On the 27th, we headed out for the GTA. We stopped in at my Nonna's house (the kids were so excited to see Bisnonna again), then battled more snow to get to Georgetown. We've been here ever since. We'll be here until the 2nd, able to eat the annual New Year's Day dinner that my inlaws' host. We've missed it for years, so we're glad to be attending this year.

--- 7 ---

The poor kids are both sick. Both have terrible colds and croupy coughs. It sucks being away from home when they're sick, poor babies. They're in good spirits, though.

One great thing about this extended celebration is that the present opening has been spread out over almost a week, so they've appreciated them much more.

And despite the lack of sleep (due to preparation and illness), it has been a wonderful Christmas season. I hope that yours have been as great.

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

Wherein I admit several shameful secrets...

All over the blogosphere, bloggers are talking about decorations for the Christmas/holiday season. Plans for parties, awesome Advent activities, tree traditions, AMAZING menu plans - it's wonderful. But I feel like such a total holiday slacker, you guys. This is the reason why I'm not on Pinterest. I'd either be consumed by envy or feel awful about myself.

Needless to say, I don't have it together like these ladies. We have a few small decorations, as well as our Advent wreath and our Christmas books, but that's it so far. And I need to confess something else: since our marriage, we've never put up a Christmas tree.

Now, I've decorated many a tree over the years. Our family tree -- the one that now lives in my crawlspace -- and the tree that Beth gave me before she moved to BC were both lovingly decorated by yours truly a number of times. But since we moved to Ottawa, I've been a tree slacker.

We really didn't have a spot to put the tree in our otherwise awesome apartment. We did have an adorable ceramic tree that we'd display, but for '04, '05, and '06, that's all we had. We spent Christmas with my parents, my Nonna, and Dave's parents, though, so we were surrounded by decorations, if not at our own home.

We intended to change this pattern once we moved to the house in 2007. My parents gave me our old tree, happy to be rid of it. What? Their cat cannot resist the temptation to climb it! We got so far as to put up the fake branches, intending to decorate it on Gaudete Sunday. Which happened to be the day I started to miscarry at 12 weeks. The bare tree stayed up until the New Year, as we just really weren't in the mood.

In 2008, I was 37 weeks pregnant with Teddy, and Ottawa was embroiled in the never-ending transit strike which sapped my will to live. I was spending upwards of 3 hours in a car, doing a commute that would normally take less than an hour. Just thinking about that Christmas makes me cringe. No tree for miserable me.

In 2009, I was due pregnant with Veronica and morning sickness had started. Plus, I was due to go back to work on January 2nd, and just didn't want to stress of having to take the tree DOWN as we were going through such a huge transition.

Last year, I had two kids under two and was so.darn.tired.

This year, though, what's my excuse? Frankly, the reason I'm writing this post is to shame me into action. This weekend, we have the time to do it - no holiday parties, no other commitments. No more excuses.

So while I'm admitting stuff, I should probably cop to the fact that I've never cooked my own turkey or roast. We always go to someone else's place for any and all holidays, so I've never needed to! Yes, I'm 34 years old.

Seven Quick Takes - Where We've Been Edition

--- 1 ---

I am alive - I swear! It's just that on November 5th, we loaded into the car and headed south. We crossed at the Thousand Islands Bridge, drove through New York and into Pennsylvania, spending the night in the Poconos. On the 6th, we drove through the Delaware Water Gap and into New Jersey, headed to Cape Liberty. Once there, we embarked on the Celebrity Silhouette for a 12 night cruise to the Caribbean. It? Was a lot of fun.

The trip was to celebrate my Dad's 65th Birthday, and we'd been planning in since April 2010. On the reservation, Veronica was listed as "Baby McLean" as the deposit was made well before her birth. It had been on the calendar for so long, it was almost a shock to have it start.

--- 2 ---

We'd cruised out of NYC before, back in 2006 when we went to Bermuda. It was fun, but I'm not sure I'd do it again. It's great to be avoid worries about luggage restrictions as well as paying for flights. But the weather can get rough. In 2006, we hit the roughest seas I've ever seen when we sailed through a Nor'easter. This time, we hit the outer bands of Tropical Storm Sean. Like a fool, I thought "I'd better not take Bonine because I'm nursing." Not my best idea, let's just say. I got seasick for the first time ever. I caved and took the drugs, thank goodness, so I eventually felt better. But never again.

Also, we weren't big fans of the other cruisers. It was a brand new ship, and so the sailing was touted as a big deal, but the folks on board were GROUCHY. The less said about them, the better.

Silhouette is a lovely ship. We've cruised on one of her sisters, the Equinox, twice before. The Equinox is our favourite ship (possibly in the whole fleet) but we'd go back to Silhouette if the itinerary and the price were right.

--- 3 ---

One of the best parts of this trip was the 'Bonus Shannon Time'. I'm sure I've mentioned Shannon in other posts. She also grew up in Georgetown, practically around the corner from Dave and me, and she and I were close friends/student government nerds in University. She's married to an Australian and lives there now. But the two of them have worked on cruise ships for years, he in the casino and she running the Youth Program. We've had the good fortune to cruise with her twice before, down the West Coast and across the Atlantic. She's currently on a project where she travel to all the ships in the fleet to train Youth Program staff, and she was onboard Silhouette for 8 days along with us. We love you, Shan!

--- 4 ---

We visited some familiar ports (St. Thomas, St. Maarten), and some new ones (St. Kitts, St. Lucia, Antigua). We knew we'd hit beaches in a couple of ports, but we underestimated how much both kids would love the water. Teddy was able to both run towards the water (a no-no at pools) and throw sand/rocks in the water, as well as swim and get hit by waves. Veronica LOVED being in the water, too. We had brought their floaties along, and there made things so much easier. We ended up riding a train in St. Kitts, but in every other port we just went to the beach. After the last 3 beach days in a row, both kids were sun-kissed and exhausted.

--- 5 ---

On our way back, we stayed in Scranton for a couple of days. We celebrated my Dad's actual birthday at Steamtown National Historic Site, which is amazing. I'm not even all that into trains, and I enjoyed it. Teddy and my Dad, though, were in heaven. I highly recommend it.

We almost didn't get there, though. Our original hotel had no water, as the city had inadvertently cut off the supply to a whole section of Dickson City while doing roadwork. Thank goodness that there was room at another, older hotel nearby. Then, a Santa Claus parade that cut off every single access point to Steamtown. No word of a lie - we drove round for 25 minutes and had to illegally drive around barriers to get to the entrance, around which the parade was not running. We were the only people there for the first hour, so we did get the personal touch. But come on Scranton - get your act together! You and your confusing roads and your non-existent signage and your traffic.

--- 6 ---

We got back on the 20th and, well, re-entry has been a bit of a struggle. The kids are doing great; it's me who's struggling! It's such a busy time of year and I feel like I can't get my act together. Twitter is overwhelming me - there's so much going on! Blogging has obviously suffered, especially since I keep thinking: "I need to write something amazing! I've been away for ages." Clue in, Sarah - your writing isn't amazing. That's now why you do this. Stop procrastinating and start doing.

So I'm going to try to post frequently about little things. Stuff like Veronica's sleep improvements, or fun Christmas gifts I've purchased. All the awesome travel stuff I've booked on POINTS ALONE or Teddy's new favourite songs.

You've been warned.

--- 7 ---

One of the awesome trips booked on points? Is to New Orleans next November for The Blathering. I am so, so excited! I've never been to LA, and I'll probably try to take a quick drive to nearby MS so I can visit my 35th and 36th states. I'm flying in early and staying late. NOLA, I am coming for your turtle soup, your beignets, and your hurricanes. Blathering Organizers, I'm at your disposal.

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

Hallowe'en 2011

I would be remiss if I didn't document this year's Hallowe'en costumes. Teddy was a bat who thought he was a cow, while Veronica was a jack-o-lantern (yep - the PJs she had on in the previous post featured heavily).

They enjoyed fruit snacks, and Teddy had his first Coffee Crisp (a hit). We did get both Canadian Smarties (mmm) and American ones, which we call Rockets. Dave visited homes of neighbours we know, while I handed out the candy.

Anyway - here are the photos. And Happy All Saints' Day!

The Blathering 2011 - Just as Amazing As You'd Imagine.

The summer after my 3rd year at Guelph, I did a European Study Abroad that was run jointly with Michigan State University. I was the only Canadian. And back in the pre-Facebook days, there was no way to really connect with anyone pre-trip. So off I flew to Schipol, knowing no one.

It was one of the greatest experiences of my life. I not only met two incredibly dear friends as well as other friends with whom I'm still in contact, I also completely changed my study and career plans based on the course curriculum. But jumping into the unknown like that was such a learning experience.

I was sad to miss the first two years of the Blathering, I swore I'd go this year. And when it turned out that I'd be once again flying somewhere without having met anyone, I figured "Eh - you've done this before. It'll be fun."

But you guys? It was way better than I'd imagined.

These are the authors of blogs I've been reading for ages, sometimes for years. Following along with the triumphs and challenges of their lives, I feel like I've gotten to know them. So many of these folks feel like Kindred Spirits, people who just get it. And this weekend affirmed my suspicion - it's totally true. It's not often that you can plop into a room of over 40 women and immediately feel like you can just be you. But that's part of the magic of this gathering.

This weekend was an amazing blend of two things: discovering that the folks that I'd ho

ped were great were even greater, and finding a whole bunch of people who jumped immediately into the even greater camp. Sadly, there were a whole bunch of folks with whom I didn't get to spend much time. That's why I can't wait until next year's festivities. A'Dell - I'd be honoured to be deputized if you need another helping hand!

I do want to give some love to the people who made the weekend unforgettable:

- My phenomenal roomies - Lauren and Miriel. Best wing-women ever.

- The Organizers, for all their hard, hard work. Amazing food, drink, decor, setting and atmosphere. And NO DRAMA. You ROCK.

- A'Dell, Emily, and Manda, with whom I'd like to shop for vintage goods and cowboy boots, eat ice cream and mock hippies each and every weekend.

- Katie, Jen, Elizabeth, and Jessica for making me squeal with laughter all through dinner.

- Jennie, Kristie, Kate, Carissa, Jess, Christina, and Elsha for all the Sunday shopping and pizza eating shenanigans. Thanks, Christina & Elsha, for the airport shenanigans, too.

- Elizabeth, Jonna, Kelly, Natalie, Natalie, Jen, Tara, Elisabeth, Sarah, Regan, Andrea, Sarah Lena, Erica, Erica, Erica, Heather, Julie, Julie, Shelly Miranda, Hillary, Michelle, Becca, -R-, Linnea, and all the rest of you with whom I didn't get to hang out nearly as much as I wanted to.

I wanted to spend more time with every single person I met. I guess that's on the 'To Do' list for next year. Until then - let me know if any of you want to come on up and visit Canada's capital city.

I'm pretty lucky, though -- these guys were waiting for me when I got home along with their sainted father. They make waiting for 2012's gathering worth it.